There’s something compelling in seeing how the young
are going to look when they’re old, especially if, as
they say, you get the face you deserve.
In the year 2035 people born in 1980 will be turning 55. Here’s
a selection of Hollywood men and women computer-aged to that
date. Some of them harder to recognise than others. Some still
quite striking. Others, frankly a mess. Of course the computer
has given them all grey hair and minimal make-up. Even if
they did look like this in 2035 some of them will no doubt
be taking better care of themselves than the computer gives
them credit for. One hopes, for their sakes, they don’t
cheat the computer by too much plastic surgery. Some of them
one reads, have already gone under the knife. Pity, it usually
has the opposite of the desired effect. Still, the hope must
beat in many a Hollywood augmented breast that hormonal and
other medical anti-aging treatments will make the botched
butchery of cosmetic surgery a thing of the past.
A: To get things rolling, as it were, here’s a nice
fresh young face. No, its not George Harrison, he’s
already left us. Born in 1943 this bloke’ll be 92 in
2035. He looks older than that now. Who is he?
To tell you the truth I don’t actually know or recognise
Runners up in order are: several of them anyway, even if I
were given their names. But that’s mostly because in
Bali I’m not really exposed to popular entertainment
or the media that thrives on their doings. In fact I’m
in the unusual situation of actually enjoying quiet moments
over a coffee in Dijon or Kopi Bali catching up on that extraordinary
phenomenon, the “celeb rag”, these establishments
so thoughtfully provide. In small doses I find them fascinating.
They (the celebs) fulfill, it seems to me, some very interesting
and conflicting needs for the rest of us, beyond that is being
co-opted ciphers for Big Brand BizMasters of the Universe
seeking to homogenise the world. First the sheer ordinariness
of these people. I mean, they coulda been us.... if we’d
had the breaks, been born beautiful..... whatever, contender,
Dream on! Then the need to build up and tear down. Even the
stylish and attractive are made to appear vapid, tasteless
and vulgar. A lot of them are. Then, if they transgress, behave
stupidly or make fools of themselves in public - Bingo! Judgement
Day. Atone or be consigned to outer darkness. And, if we can
spy upon their private, particularly intimate moments, that’s
even better! We deserve, we need, nay we have a right to know
anything and everything about these people. Collectively we
put them where they are, and collectively we can tear them
down, ignore them or, if they possess some strange and special
alchemy, continue to admire even adore them.
So, before announcing the winners, in a special category the
ParacelsusAsia award for the “Face that Says it all...”
is:
A: Keith Richards. Wock on Keef, we luv’yer anyway,
but give up movies, do....
And now.... the ParacelsusAsia clear winner in the main category
of Aging Pulchritude is:
B & C: Katie Holmes & Kirstin Dunst at 57 and 53 respectively.
Can’t quite place Katie but what a pair of nice old
dears! Who do they remind me of? If they sharpened up the
act a bit, Nancy Mitford maybe?
D: Paris Hilton at 54, who’da thunk it, girl actually
turned out quite well.
E: Justin Timberlake (who he? Something Janet Jackson had
a hand in?). Could be hitting his stride at 54.
F: Gwen Stefani at 66, lost in admiration for Bette Davis
auditioning for “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane”.
G: Jaaaaanet Jackson! oldest woman in the pack, breasting
the tape by a mile. Sexy Seventy!
H: Time for a bloke: Jude Law at 63. His hair’s almost
gone already. Apart from that it don’t look like he’s
aged a day. Next role should be Dorian Grey, he’s already
done Bosie.
I: Angelina Jolie, because at 60 she looks like Michelle Pfeiffer
at 50 and seems to be shaping up as decent human being.
J: Avril LaVigne, the youngest and unlovliest at 51. I don’t
think the computer likes her very much. Who is she anyway?
K: Catherine Zeta-Jones, such gravitas! She looks like Mary
MaCarthy crossed with Iris Murdoch and handsome with it.....
very tasty at 66.
L: Jessica Simpson, looking great at 55.
M: At 68 Nicole Kidman’s doing pretty good too, about
to reprise her role of Virginia Woolf on stage this time and
without the schnoz to distract us.
If you recognised the lot of them, have you considered devoting
just a fraction of your time to contemplating your navel instead?
ParacelsusAsia
Comments or queries
ParacelsusAsia@yahoo.com
