As a proud and paid-up member of the so-called specially-related
poodle nation I was shocked to receive in my mail this disgraceful
and treacherous screed passing as humour from ageing funny
man John Cleese (see below).
I apologise unreservedly on behalf of all red-blooded Britons
for this gratuitous affront to our American cousins, and most
particularly to the brave and wise man, who surely must be
counted as one of the greatest, if not the greatest, of US
Presidents. How discouraging such anti-Americanism from a
supposed brother-in-arms must be for President Bush and his
valiant warrior team as they sit in the White House deploying
the cream of America’s youth in the killing fields of
Iraq. As the President himself sagely opined, his job is not
an easy one, in fact it is hard work. George Bush deserves
our admiration and support, not this snivelling stab in the
back dressed up as “humour-in-the-face-of-the-enemy”.
A capital offence not so long ago in the days when loyalty
meant something. By rights Cleese should be taken out and
shot, or at very least enjoy a spell in Guantanamo.
Does Cleese forget how generously America has treated him?
Why, when Americans finally got the joke they showered him
and his juvenile colleagues in puerile slapstick with undeserved
wealth and admiration. In fact, does not the musical Spamelot
this very day, 30 years on, play to packed houses on Broadway?
What an ingrate this man is! Does he not recall being invited
round to tea at No.10 by Tony and Cherie Blair? Is this the
way to repay the honour done him by the one truly great Briton
who, in the mould of Winston Churchill, has stood so steadfastly
by the side of this Great American President, a man who outdid
Maggie Thatcher (of blesséd memory) single-handedly
achieving victory over socialism and the Labour party, jettisoning
all that claptrap about the working class and coddling of
the work-shy unemployed?
No, Mr. Cleese, you are a disgrace to our own brave boys,
the great British squaddy, ever itching for a good scrap,
serving side-by-side once again with our gallant American
allies in Iraq, Afghanistan and with any luck Iran, while
the rest of our so-called NATO allies skulk in the Kabul NAAFI
canteen, or wherever they serve the frogs legs und bratwurst.
Moreover, Cleese obviously don’t know his arse (read
ass, in honor of our allies) from his elbow when it comes
to movies. The beauteous Andie McDowell in Four Weddings &
a Funeral (another morally bankrupt left-leaning attempt at
humour) was portraying an American and may presumably be forgiven
for having an American accent.
In any event, Cleese’s history sucks. George III may
have been a German and mad and that is why he lost the American
colonies. Had he been an Englishman the result would of course
have been very different. In any case, back then the Americans
weren’t American, they were English. The French should
cease their whining about Americans today, perfidiously stabbing
us in the back as they did in aiding and abetting the American
rebels against their rightful sovereign, even if he was German.
Serves Louis XVI right.
Let us never ever for one second forget who won The War, with
a little help late in the day from the Yanks and the Russkis.
It is a glorious thing for the English-speaking peoples to
rally once more to the ramparts with our American allies in
yet another war, even if we are still stuck at the Dunkirk
stage.
ParaTrooper
Special Forces Club,
London, S.W.
c/o ParacelsusAsia@yahoo.com
(ParacelsusAsia is currently on sabbatical in the Pamirs communing
with the Ascended Masters and returns next issue)
BRITAIN IS REPOSSESSING THE U.S.A.
A message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States
of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice
of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor
for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford
English Dictionary)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words
such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’
Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without
skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced
by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up ‘vocabulary’).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as “like” and “you know”
is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English.
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter
‘u’ and the elimination of ‘-ize’.
4. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save
The Queen.
5. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
6. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many
lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough
to be independent.
7. Guns should only be handled by adults.
If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re
not grown up enough to handle a gun.
8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you
will understand what we mean.
9. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and
you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.
10. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you
have been calling gasoline), roughly at $6/US gallon. Get
used to it.
11. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist
on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips
are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but with vinegar.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is
not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British
Bitter will be referred to as Beer, and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
13. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience
akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
14. You will cease playing American football.
There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
15. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game which
is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.
16. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving
us mad.
17. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
18. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups,
never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
strawberries in season.
