One of my Balinese friend’s family members has died – how do I express my condolences?
If the family member has just died, you may wish to visit your friend and his family at their home. Don’t worry about disturbing them – the compound will already be bustling with activity and they’ll be overwhelmed that you even thought to come.
If you have time, you may choose to buy some sugar and coffee to give them – it’ll help feed the multitudes helping to prepare the body for burial. Another useful gift is some white material known in Balinese as kain kasa. It’s cheap and readily available at the local market. Buy enough to cover a large table or two – it’s for the ceremonial tablecloths.
Before you leave home, slip on a dark-coloured sarong and top – a shirt or t-shirt for the men and a kebaya for the women. If you’re a guy, you can put on a batik or black head-cloth (udeng) as well.
When you arrive you’ll be welcomed with offerings of drinks and snacks and it’s polite to sit for a while and chat with the family. It’s enough to say “kasihan” in Indonesian or if you’re game “pedalem” in Balinese, meaning “what a shame”.
Generally, Balinese are too ashamed to mourn in public and will control their emotions by putting on watery-eyed smiles. To get through awkward silences, you can chat and ask about the preparation for the ceremony.
A nice thing to do is to ngayah for the family of the dead; this means devote your time to help them with the ceremony - you can ask what you can do to help and when the cremation will be. Examples of ngayah are preparing food, helping with the construction of the cremation tower at a later date or playing the gamelan.
These days people also send cards or wreaths expressing their condolences but from my experience in Bali, any efforts however small, are much appreciated are remembered fondly.
