How do we stay true to ourselves and still have a fulfilling
relationship?
I often ponder this question as a western woman living in
Bali who is married to a Balinese man. This is a culture where
women must defer to the man who is considered to be the king.
While I am not a Balinese woman, there are still certain expectations
that are put upon me by my partner. For example, I am expected
to attend all the important ceremonies which Balinese Hindus
participate in and at least make an attempt at creating offerings.
I have made many efforts to weave leaves into intricate designs,
but to no avail. I just don’t have the adeptness to
create these spiritual offerings which are so integral to
the Balinese way of life. I contribute in other ways though
by carrying the offerings atop my head as elegantly as possible
down the steep pathway to the village temple. Onlookers often
have a chuckle or two at the sight of a buleh (foreigner)
balancing a bowl of fruit on her head,
This is all normal for Dewa. His culture runs through his
being. It is hard to negate something which is omnipresent
– something that most Balinese feel is the truth therefore
should be adhered to. Men have their roles to play as do women,
but as a woman like myself who is from a totally different
culture these roles get a bit blurry.
In the traditional life of a Balinese woman, they are expected
to stay home most of the time and care for their children.
It would not be appropriate for a Balinese wife to go out
dancing with her friends once a week. Bali is a small island
and it doesn’t take long for the gossip to spread like
wild fire. I remind Dewa that I’m not Balinese, so the
same rules shouldn’t apply to me. But it’s not
Dewa that has a problem with my independence, it’s the
society in which we are living in that places judgments on
women and decides who is relegated to the ‘good girl’
category and who is in the ‘bad girl’ camp.
Well, this brings me back to my original question. I think
any couple in a bi-cultural relationship experiences a whole
different set of challenges that don’t always occur
in same cultural relationships. Women in bi-cultural relationships
have to be willing to express themselves and find the strength
to tell their partners when enough is enough. Yes, we do need
to honor our partner’s culture and understand that he
needs to participate in upacaras (ceremonies) or attend Banjar
meetings if he is Hindu, but we also need to honor who we
are as western women. We come from an individualistic society
where women are generally treated as equals and hold positions
of great responsibility with a grace and insight that is not
often found in our male leaders. Women have their own expectations
and needs which are just as important as their partner’s.
Even though many of us are married to Balinese men, and have
committed ourselves to this rich and challenging life, we
will never really be accepted as true Balinese women. So why
not dance the night away if you feel like it or play charades
with the gals? Those outlets can keep us sane and help us
maintain our happiness in our relationships while staying
true to ourselves.
If you would like to comment on this article feel free to
email: ibulinarose@yahoo.com
