So many Western women who become involved with Indonesian
men ask themselves this question – is he with me for
money or love? This question nags at us as we deal with the
reality that we are usually the ones more financially solvent.
This is due to the fact that many Western women, who come
to Indonesia, have skills or credentials that their Indonesian
partners don’t have.
Our jobs compensate us well, allowing us to have a much higher
standard of living than our Indonesian partners. I don’t
feel guilty about my lifestyle; because I work hard for my
money and feel I deserve a few niceties in life.
On the other hand, I also see how hard Dewa works, yet it
seems almost impossible for him to get ahead. The economic
disparity between us is a harsh reality. I know that many
of my friends who are also with Indonesian men, face the same
dilemmas as I – what do you do when your man needs money?
How can you discriminate about when to give or not to give
financial support, and still honor your commitment to one
another and yourself?
Fortunately, Dewa is a very independent man who does not like
to rely on anyone for support if he can do it on his own.
There have been only a few times when he has asked for my
help, and I had to decide whether I felt comfortable with
giving this help or not. It is easier to give a little money
here and there, but much harder to give or loan someone a
large amount of money. Even though I love Dewa and trust him
very much, there have been so many people, both western and
Indonesian, who have offered me their unsolicited advice about
giving or loaning money to my partner. This advice has often
confused and distressed me. The range of comments has been:
“He’ll probably come up with some excuse as to
why he can’t pay you back. I wouldn’t loan him
the money if I were you.”
“This is what Indonesian guys do. They find a western
woman who makes good money, and then they suck her dry.”
“Well, that’s the way it is. Western women will
always have to support their Indonesian partners.”
“Whatever you do, don’t buy a house or land with
him in his name. If you break up, he’ll get everything!”
While I am aware that there’s certain veracity to these
comments, I also feel that this is not always the case. We
have to look at our own perceptions and expectations of our
partners. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks
about our relationships. What matters is how we think and
feel about them. I know that Dewa can not help me financially
in big ways, so I don’t expect that from him. What I
do expect is what I feel he can give and should give: emotional
support, help around the house, assistance with bureaucratic
problems, etc. There are so many things that he does for me
each day which demonstrate the depth of his feelings for me.
When I told Dewa that I was writing this article, I asked
him how I could know for sure whether he was with me for money
or love. He said, “If I didn’t love you, I’d
ask you to pay for all the trips we go on, because that’s
how I make a living.” We both laughed.
I don’t deny that it is challenging for me to let go
of my conditioning about men and women – to allow myself
to be who I am and love who I choose to love. Ultimately,
I can only know what makes me truly happy. I believe it is
up to women to find out what they are comfortable with in
their relationships. While a society or culture may have a
strong influence on your relationship, only you can decide
what works best for you. If you feel exploited in your relationship,
then get out of it. If you feel that your relationship meets
your emotional needs and you are generally happy, then stay
in it.
The main point is that western women, who are with Indonesian
men, need to make peace with the fact that we will probably
always be the primary wage earners. This doesn’t mean
our partners are only with us for the money, but money may
become a sore point if we are not careful with how we handle
the money issues that arise in our relationships.
By all means do protect yourself legally if you feel it is
necessary, but try not to become so distrustful or jaded about
your partner’s intentions that you never feel you can
give of yourself. Without trust, it is impossible to have
a loving and long lasting partnership with anyone, Indonesian
or western.
If you have any comments about this article or would like
to contact the writer please email: ibulinarose@yahoo.com
