Today I was contemplating what I would write for my column for this issue and nothing came to me until I did offerings and prayers, otherwise known as Sembahyang in Bahasa Indonesian. I had a difficult day that I wasn’t able to really share with my husband, yet when we did our prayers together, it felt like this was the bridge to all of our cultural or interpersonal challenges. All the heavy heartedness I felt seemed to burn away like the dupa (incense) that I placed on the beautiful offerings.
Spirituality is a personal choice, unlike religion which is something most of us are born into. The idea of sharing a spiritual practice is not exclusive to bi-cultural couples. I think every couple can benefit from believing in a higher or greater power however we choose to name that power. For some this might mean communing with nature or listening to uplifting music, dancing, meditating or just sitting still. It doesn’t matter what you do, but the point is that you find a sacred practice to do with your partner on a regular basis. This will not only fortify your soul, but it will also bring you closer to your partner and help to remind you why you have chosen to be with him or her for the long run.
With the constant pressures that westerners face by choosing to live abroad and be with someone from another culture, it is important for us to stay grounded and centered. When couples perform the ritual of praying together, energy is created between them. The communication is unspoken, but it is there connecting them as they share that sacred moment. Later when we go through our daily routine and situations arise which cause us irritation with our partners, the foundation we have built through our continuous spiritual practice will help us greatly in controlling our emotions, so that we can think first before we react in ways that could be painful or even damaging to our partner.
All of this is good preparation for taking on the responsibilities and challenges of becoming a parent. There will be even more trials when bi-cultural couples become parents, as it is obvious that styles of parenting will be heavily influenced by the cultures that we come from. If both people come from a strong spiritual practice, it will be much easier to decide on the kinds of values that you will instill in your children.
As I mentioned in my previous column, the Balinese have this wonderful easy going nature which children love, but sometimes this is to the detriment of the child. I see many Indonesian children with black rotten teeth, because their parents always give into their demands for candy and sweets. I didn’t want this to happen with our children, so Dewa and I had to make a concerted effort to constantly remind his family that we didn’t want our children to have a lot of treats for the aforementioned reasons.
There are other considerations as well, such as what schools to put your children into. International versus local versus national plus. While there are quite a few more options than there were 10 years ago, education in Indonesia can be expensive especially if you opt for an international or national plus school. For both Dewa and I, we feel that since our sons are from two races, that they will be happier at a school that has other bi-cultural kids like them, rather than putting them in a school with predominantly one culture or the other. We think it’s important that our boys feel a sense of belonging which includes both of their parents’ cultures.
If couples have a strong spiritual practice together they will be better equipped at finding solutions for many difficult and important issues that will come up in their lives, such as how to raise and educate their children, how to communicate more compassionately and how to strengthen their connection as a couple. I know there are lots of couples out there who feel strongly opposed to any kind of spirituality. For all of you I can only say that it’s your choice whether to have a spiritual practice or not, but at least consider some practice such as being mindful of your thoughts, words and deeds if you want to have a more harmonious and long lasting relationship with your partner.
If you have comments or questions please contact: ibulinarose@yahoo.com
