Caroline and Ronnie have been happily married for more than ten years and have two boys, ages eight and six. Caroline is a lover of dancing and is very creative, while Ronnie is more of a low key guy who is good with budgeting and managing the staff that work for them. Caroline sat down with me to share her story about how she met Ronnie and the obstacles that they had to overcome in order for them to be together.
IL: When did you meet Ronnie?
C: I met him in 1990 when I was teaching English as a foreign language in East Java. Ronnie was one of my students.
IL: What attracted you to him?
C: He was very playful and mischievous; he was also very cute.
IL: At the beginning, was your relationship accepted by both of your families?
C: We were afraid that his family wouldn’t be happy about us getting together, so we kept our relationship hidden from them for more than a year. We didn’t just keep our relationship hidden from them but from everyone. I was a visiting teacher and a white western woman who had been trained by the organization that had sent me to Java to be a role model, rather than enact the stereo type of the ‘free sex’ American woman. I felt that I was supposed to respect Moslem codes of behavior – I knew this meant no one could know about us. The problem was I was madly in love with him.
IL: Is his family a very traditional Javanese family?
C: They are in the sense that they are devout Muslims, but they aren’t traditional in other ways. They practice Islam with great devotion, yet they are open-minded, flexible and more modern than you would think. I think this kind of tolerance is Javanese at heart.
IL: What do you and Ronnie have in common?
C: We both have a huge sense of adventure. Also, we both resist conformity. This is probably a big reason why our marriage is so successful. Neither of us could stand the boredom of being from the same culture and living a predictable life. We are willing to put up with all the challenges and difficulties that come with our choice to be together, because for us, it is a dynamic and interesting path.
IL: That leads into my next question – what is the most challenging thing you’ve encountered being in a bi-cultural relationship?
C: I think the most difficult challenge is how to create a life in which neither partner has to sacrifice his or her culture. By saying this, I mean it on every level. For example, our behaviors, the way we raise our children, our approach to work, our aesthetic tastes and the way we express ourselves. We both constantly have to be open and willing to compromise. This can be very tiring.
IL: Do you feel that you have had to make many sacrifices in order to be in a bi-cultural relationship?
C: Yes, I have, but I don’t want to sound like I’m bitter about it. I feel the rewards have certainly outweighed the costs. For example, I’ve had to let go of some of my ideas about how children should be raised. Things are very different here than in the U.S.A., but ‘the proof is in the pudding’. I can see now that my children are basically well-adjusted, balanced and healthy individuals. I give credit to this culture for the warmth, nurturing and sanity that has been brought into their lives.
IL: In what ways do you butt heads? Do you think this is a man/woman thing or a cultural difference?
C: Well, the two are inseparable. Sometimes I feel he can be too cautious in terms of his personal relationships. I’m more spontaneous and energetic, but Ronnie is more of a planner and practical. He tends to do things at a more deliberate pace. While I see these things as character differences, I am also aware of how his culture has influenced who he is.
IL: What is the best thing about being married to a Javanese man?
C: Javanese men have many good qualities. They are gracious, calm, non-reactive, subtle and spiritual. He is also very devoted to our family and me.
IL: Do you think it would be very different for you if you were married to a western man?
C: Definitely! I think I might not still be married if I had married a man from the West. (We both giggle)
IL: What advice would you like to give western women about marrying someone from a different culture?
C: Make sure before you tie the knot that you have some core understanding and shared values that transcend culture.
IL: Thank you so much, Caroline, for sharing your story with us.
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