The other day I asked Dewa why he had decided to make the fountain at our home with the symbol close to the water instead of more centered on the wall? For me this was a simple question only asked to get a clearer understanding of his rationale for the design, but to Dewa this was a clear criticism. His interpretation which he shared with me later was that in his culture people asked ‘why’ questions only to insinuate that they weren’t satisfied with something he or she did.
Alas, it has taken us five and a half years to come to this realization about our communication differences – that the word ‘why’ would have so much significance that it would be the root cause of many misunderstandings, hurt feelings and misguided anger.
In Indonesian culture people are generally brought up not to ask why, unlike in the west where we are taught to question everything and everyone. There is something to be said for accepting what is and not always wondering why. Through acceptance of our situation we can feel a greater sense of peace and happiness. On the other hand, when does acceptance become complacency? Do we accept things as they are in order to maintain the status quo?
I see how many Balinese women are accepting of their husbands, often deferring to their wants and needs without challenge or questions of why. Yet, we western women are quite different. We are looking for equality within our relationships with our partners. We feel strongly about our right to ask questions or challenge a situation which feels unjust or unfair. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, yet it seems a futile effort in a culture where men are considered to be the head of the household; while women are important, we are not considered to be on par with men. Don’t get me wrong, women are respected, but their roles are dissimilar here than in the western world. We are told not to ask too many questions and accept whatever decisions they have made without argument.
So it is not that our ‘why’ questions mean something different that’s the real challenge in bi-cultural relationships, but the entire structure and values of Indonesian culture compared with western culture which throws us for a loop.
How then do western women find happiness in a relationship with their Indonesian partners? This is the million dollar question. Maybe many of you will vehemently disagree with my opinion and that’s perfectly all right, but I think women in bi-cultural relationships have the difficult task of conforming to what their husbands want in order to keep the peace. If we continue to question and challenge our partners this will create more discord in the relationship and may ultimately lead to the destruction of that relationship. If this is too much of a compromise, then it may be time to reassess if being in a bi-cultural relationship is right for you?
While there are many wonderful things which bi-cultural couples can experience together as they share their lives, it is ultimately the hardest path to walk. There are certain things ingrained in us in terms of our social and cultural conditioning which present greater challenges than one would encounter in a relationship with someone from the same culture. Can we meet these challenges and rise above them or is it too great a feat to bear? The best thing that we can do is move beyond our conditioning by recognizing it and consciously choosing not to react in are usual ways. If we let go of our egos and see that person’s true nature, beyond his or her cultural identity or skin color, then we will move to a higher way of being in that relationship. It takes courage to do this. In many ways, it requires us to dismantle who we are or thought we were and fully embrace our authentic selves.
For questions or comments please feel free to email:
ibulinarose@yahoo.com
