Valueble Lessons Learned in Bi-Cultural Relationships
Most of my past articles have focused on western women who are married or in a serious relationship with Asian men, so I thought it would be interesting to get the other perspective. I asked a western friend of mine who is in a committed relationship with a Japanese woman what he thinks about the challenges and benefits of being with a woman from an Asian culture. He shared with me that it is an eye-opening process of learning how to respect each other’s differences.
For example, one of the benefits he has noticed in comparison with his former relationships with western women, is that with his current partner there isn’t the same kind of power plays that often occur between western men and women; the need for competition just isn’t there. Perhaps this is due to Asian women’s conditioning? I have lived in two Asian cultures: Korea and now Indonesia and in both cultures I have experienced that while women are given a certain amount of respect and freedom, there are clear social mores in place which influence how they behave in their culture. When women step outside of their expected roles, they are often frowned upon by society, or in some cases, even rejected by their community. This is especially so for women who live in small towns or villages.
Getting back to my friend, it is no surprise that his relationship with an Asian woman is probably far less challenging than that of a western woman who is seriously involved with an Asian man. Western women have been brought up to assert themselves and speak honestly about their feelings – this is not common in most Asian cultures and is generally not encouraged by men in these societies. Thus, if I question my husband about something he has said or done, he usually will perceive this as a criticism or a challenge. Balinese women, similar to many Asian women who are 35 and older, come from an era when women’s ideas were not of great importance. Thankfully times are changing, but the progress is slow and fraught with many challenges.
Looking on the bright side, there is much hope for a relationship between a western man and an Asian woman succeeding, because the ‘power play’ factor is not as prevalent. Western women married to Asian men probably have more challenges to face and will need to make compromises in order to keep the peace. I think I’ve mentioned this in one of my previous articles. It is a hard fact to face, but I honestly have to agree with my friend that many western women tend to engage in power plays with their partners. Perhaps our struggle for equality, is actually creating an even greater rift with our partners whether they are Asian or western?
What valuable lessons then can we learn from being in a bi-cultural partnership? Most Asian cultures tend to be more reserved, thus, they are often more comfortable with silence then westerners.
According to my friend,‘As westerners, we often have the tendency to want to fill in the gaps of silence with mindless prattle, rather than wait for something more significant to say.” I’m sure many westerners out there can relate to going to a party and listening to someone go on and on about a banal topic, wishing that you could somehow extricate yourself. Silence is often awkward for us, as we are faced with who we really are. There is much that we can learn from the Asian culture about relaxing into silence and allowing the gaps in our conversations with one another. In those gaps we may discover some true gems of wisdom that we would have otherwise overlooked.
Another notable difference between Asian and western cultures is the way in which we perceive our roles in society. Asian cultures respond from the vantage point of the community and society as a whole, while westerners are focused on the individual. This ‘me first’ mindset has gotten us into quite a fix with the recent collapse of the financial market in the U.S.A. Westerners need to make a shift in consciousness and realize that we will have a much greater chance of surviving if we can begin perceiving the world as a collective whole.
Every culture has something of great value to offer. The fact that many of you have chosen to embark on this tumultuous and exciting bi-cultural journey with your partner means that you are open to learning valuable lessons that will raise your consciousness and ultimately, help you to become a better person.
If you have questions or comments, please feel free to email: ibulinarose@yahoo.com
