At some time or another most of us have felt less-than-happy
with the way things played out between ourselves and a friend,
a lover, a colleague, a boss, or perhaps even with a stranger.
Following a particular exchange, we might go over in our mind
the pattern of “he said”, “I said”,
“I wish I had said”….and may be left with
a feeling of dissatisfaction or sadness when we’ve not
been able to communicate as we would have liked to. Sometimes
we wonder more generally why it is that it can be so difficult
to communicate effectively with others, and especially with
the people most dear to us.
A non-profit initiative that began in the 1980s addresses
this issue and has proposed a new language, or new way of
using our language, to express needs and make requests in
ways that foster compassion and build improved understanding
between people. Termed “non-violent communication”
or NVC for short, this language and process are being taught
throughout the world, including here in Bali. The American-based
Centre for NVC leads the movement, with a core team of founder
/ trainers that have gradually been touching people, including
the general public, educators, leaders of political movements,
people in conflict zones, as well as teaching NVC in prisons.
NVC has been used in UNESCO-sponsored projects, in the Middle
East, Rwanda and Yugoslavia, as well as being used in numerous
settings in Europe and the United States.
Dorset Campbell-Ross is accredited to offer NVC training and
coaching, and has been brought to Indonesia to introduce NVC
to the Peace Brigades teams working in Jakarta, Aceh and West
Papua. On February 8, Dorset ran an introduction to NVC at
Kopi Bali in Sanur, providing an overview of the language
and process to people from local schools, businesses, and
interested individuals. In between his commitments to the
Peace Brigades, Dorset ran a 2-day NVC ‘Foundation Training’
on February 9-10 and then ran a ‘Deepening NVC’
session for people who had completed the foundation training
in Bali, on the weekend of March 3-4. He introduced the simple
but revolutionary model for a way of speaking that facilitates
a flow of communication needed to exchange information and
resolved differences peacefully. From foundation courses typically
come practice groups and a local network of NVC advocates.
I came across NVC when the first ‘foundation training’
was being run in Australia in 2000. Perhaps the most important
lesson I took from the training is that violence happens whenever
we use language (and the thoughts associated with it) that
judges, labels, blames or criticizes. It can be quite confronting
to realize just how often we do these things. The father of
NVC, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, says that “violence is
the tragic expression of unmet needs”. An NVC understanding
of judging, labeling, blaming and criticizing is that we do
these things because we have needs that are not being met,
or for which we have not yet taken responsibility to try and
have met. They key is for this to happen without anger, guilt,
shame, fear or frustration (all of which are also a part of
violence, as defined in NVC).
Learning to recognize feelings and needs, and developing communication
patterns that deal positively with them, are skills that are
taught in NVC training. Although it is quite difficult to
change entrenched habits, developing awareness of them can
be a big step. The steps towards better communication and
relationships are critical to our emotional intelligence and
maturity. Having taken a few courses in NVC, I can personally
say that it is not easy to adopt the new language that NVC
requires, but I believe that learning it would be valuable
for anyone and everyone. As a fundamental life-skill, I would
like to see NVC introduced properly and formally in our schools,
as well as in other social institutions and organizations
so that more people can benefit in their everyday lives.
NVC focuses our attention on compassion as a motivator for
our exchanges with other people. It emphasizes taking personal
responsibility for improving the quality of our relationships,
even when the other person is not familiar with NVC. As NVC
is introduced in Bali, we are sure to hear more. I hope there
will be motivated individuals undertaking to establish a community
of practice here, practicing and living from an essence of
communicating non-violently. To find out more, please contact
Dorset on dorsetcr@iinet.net.au
By Lucy Mitchell
E-mail:writers@baliadvertiser.biz
