This week, the expatriate community is still reeling from
the untimely death of two young girls – Hayley Cameron
& Olivia Ivanyi, after a motorbike accident in the very
early hours of Thursday the 11th of September. This
was a senseless loss, and we hope that the community at large
will take heed of the dangers of motor bikes, and pay
particular attention to the need for full protective head
gear. These two girls were young, and many of those that grieve
their passing will be even younger - children battling to
cope with the reality of death and the sorrow that it brings.
Youngsters may show their grief in many different ways. In
this weeks article we look at the ways in which these youngsters
may express their grief and how we can help them through these
times.
WHEN CHILDREN GRIEVE
Some of the losses for children are the same as for adults,
for example:
- when a parent dies or goes away
- death of a friend or a relative
- family break-up
- loss of a pet
- having a disability
- loss of memories due to fire or
flood or moving to a new country
- loss of feelings of privacy or safety
after a break-in
- being abused, injured, burnt or
scarred
- moving house
- long periods of separation from
a parent
- being in hospital
PRESCHOOL CHILDREN - Grief in the years before school, children
don’t understand that death is permanent.
They feel grief when they lose someone close to them. The
impact of the loss may be greater in the early years because
they don’t really understand what is happening. They
don’t understand what is real and what is not real,
and they may believe that their own wishes caused the person
they loved to go away. Losing someone who cares for them is
a major stress that takes time and care to overcome. In a
way it is like losing a part of themselves. They don’t
have the words to express feelings and will show them in the
way they act.
EARLY YEARS OF SCHOOL - Children still don’t really
understand that death is permanent and that the person who
has died will not come back.
They may need to hear what has happened many times over. Some
children feel responsible for the death or separation and
think it was because they were naughty. They may also be worried
about who will look after them, e.g. if they have lost a parent
they may worry about losing the other parent as well. They
may be very matter-of-fact in the way they talk about death
and want lots of information, such as what happens to the
body. They usually don’t have the words to say how they
feel and will show it in behaviour and play.
LATER PRIMARY SCHOOL YEARS - Children can understand that
death is permanent. They can also understand why death happens,
e.g. illness, accident or old age. They can talk about their
feelings better although they might not always do so. They
are less likely to blame themselves for what has happened
but they might blame others, e.g. blame one parent for a divorce.
They have a strong sense of right and wrong and might have
strong views about what has happened. They may be interested
in life after death and religious explanations. They may still
want to know all the facts about what happens to the body
or details of an accident.
ADOLESCENT YEARS - Teenagers are a special group. They are
already burdened with the confusion
and turmoil of adolescence; coping with loss is another added
complication to their young lives. Many teenagers have difficulty
in opening up and sharing their feeling with adults for fear
of being thought of as ‘weak’. Encouraging these
youngsters to express themselves in groups,
perhaps with an adult present as a guide or mediator may help.
This age group is very susceptible to the influence of peers,
and may unwittingly become involved in substance abuse (drugs
or alcohol), or enter un-wise
relationships or sects in order to escape the pain of what
has transpired.
HOW YOUNG PEOPLE SHOW THEIR GRIEF
Children don’t have the words to talk about their feelings
in the way that adults do. They may not even really know what
they feel. Some of the ways they show grief may be:
- physical pain such as stomach aches
or headaches
- sleeping problems, bad dreams
- eating problems, eating too much
or too little
- being destructive or being “mean”
to others
- acting like a younger child or acting
more like an adult
- not being able to concentrate for
long
- problems with school work
- being clumsy
- “switching off”, acting
as if they haven’t taken in what has happened
- showing fears
- anger or aggression to friends,
parents or toys
- temper tantrums (too much feeling)
- low self esteem and self blame
- playing the same thing over and
over
- tendency to think the person who
has gone is perfect
- easily upset, crying and giggling
without obvious reason
- clinginess - wanting to be near
adults
- running away, not wanting to go
to school, stealing
- fear of separation
Coping With a Family Loss
- The adults who love them may not
be available to support the
children if the adults are very upset themselves.
- There are strange situations to
cope with e.g. funerals.
- The routine of their lives is suddenly
changed.
- People around them act differently.
- Children might be asked to be different
e.g. to be quiet, to be helpful, to be good.
- They are not sure what to think
or do.
WHAT ADULTS CAN DO
- Give clear and truthful information
to children in a way that they can understand. Don’t
forget that children need to knowwhat is
happening even if they don’t ask - sometimes parents
are so busy with their own needs that children can be overlooked.
Children may not seem sad when you think they should be, because
they still don’t have the skills to understand what
it all really means. You need to understand that this isn’t
a lack of being sensitive; it is just the stage they are at.
- Allow children time to talk, ask
questions and share worries with a caring adult. They might
be very confused and need to ask lots of questions. If you
can’t talk about it, find another adult who is close
to your child who can. If children can’t talk about
the loss, they might feel that it is not safe to talk about
it and continue to have muddled and scary feelings.
- Provide a safe environment where
your child feels able to express feelings in whatever way
he can. Help him to find ways to show his feelings with play,
writing a letter, a story or a poem.
- Try to open the way if a child feels
unable to talk about his feelings. Say something like “Some
things are really hard to talk about, but talking can help.
If you ever want to talk about what has happened, let me know”.
- Share your grief. Parents may lie
to children to protect them. If you don’t tell them
what is happening and share your grief you may
prevent them from grieving. This can cause problems when they
have other losses in their lives.
- Keep as many of the family routines
as you can. Too many changes will add further stress. Doing
the same things as usual helps
children to feel safe. Allow times for extra closeness and
comfort.
- Keep to some rules about what children
are allowed to do. If you think they are taking advantage
of the situation you will start to feel angry and that won’t
help.
- Share your own grief with your children.
Children will feel more normal about
their own feelings if they see that you are sad too.
(If you are really distressed it may not be wise to share
feelings with children because it is important that they know
that you are in control
and can keep them safe).
- Get support for yourself. Talk with
your partner or a friend. Some agencies offer personal grief
counselling. For some people spiritual support will help.
- Remember that children grieve in
bursts. They have their own
individual reactions, but they feel the loss just as much
as adults.
REMINDERS
- Keep to family routines as much
as you can to give security.
- Let the teacher or child care worker
know what has happened.
- Don’t rely on your child for
support. You need to support your child.
- Be honest, trustworthy and reliable.
- Give your grieving child special
times with you to talk about feelings.
- Children need to know that important
other people in their lives are going to be there for
them.
- Children don’t show their
grief in the same way as adults.
- The biggest need for children who
have a loss is that they are
supported and cared for and have someone to talk to about
it.
Kim Patra is a qualified Registered Nurse / Midwife, and mother
of three, who has been living and working in Bali for past
15 years. She has assisted many traveller (...
and others) either as a flying medical escort
or just a voice on the end of the phone! Kim is happy
to discuss any health concerns that your may have. Her
e-mail contact is info@chcbali.com
