Standing up for yourself safely – confrontation without
conflagration.
By ‘confrontation’, I don’t mean, going
up to the person who has annoyed you and having a big argument.
Or worse, punching them on the nose. No! I mean, ‘confronting’,
in the sense of ‘facing’. That means not running
away, not putting off, and not burying your head in the sand.
On a positive note, it also means ‘looking at things
in fresh new ways’ ‘coming up with surprising
new information and options’ and ‘looking for
the win-win solution’.
Boundaries. We all have limits, rules, and thresholds that
we don’t want crossed. Our skills in communicating what
these are, and preventing any pushy (or even, benign) transgressors
from breaching them, are important as they enable us to control
our own lives. If you are one of those who says ‘yes’
when you should be saying ‘no’, (and who doesn’t,
sometimes?) read on!
Techniques for saying ‘no’:
Non-verbal – hold up your hand, palm facing out. This
is great to use when you feel you ‘can’t get a
word in edgeways’! It speaks volumes and gets you over
that ‘I don’t know how to interrupt’ feeling.
The person will stop talking and ask you... ‘what?’
Register your disagreement – even while someone is
still talking, you can interject ‘I disagree!’
Even if they take no notice at that point, they will hear
you, and won’t be able to take your silence as mute
agreement.
‘ Stuck record’ – invaluable technique
from the old ‘assertiveness training’ –
if someone is not hearing your ‘no’ you merely
continue to respond: ‘No, I’m sorry, I am not
doing that’. ‘No, I will not be doing that’.
‘No, I am not doing that’. You don’t need
explain why necessarily, just repeat the assertion until they
hear it.
Take time: if you are not sure something is a good idea for
you, buy yourself time to consider – don’t say
‘yes’ right off, instead say ‘I’ll
let you know tomorrow’ or whenever.
Retain the right to change your mind, as in ‘I know
I said I’d help you at the bazaar/look after auntie/mind
your dog, but on considering, sorry, no, I am not going to
do it’.
Bear in mind that we are all only doing our best, in our
own little paradigm of ‘what’s normal and what’s
right’. Someone who has ‘wronged’ you is
probably just looking at things a different way from you,
with different priorities, rules, boundaries, and (importantly-)
fears! Try to start an open dialogue and really understand
what is going on from their point of view. That’s the
place where you will find insights that may lead to an ‘aha!’
and a new way of working together or solving the problem.
If you never take the risk of confronting, you never get to
this new place.
Authenticity – great place to be! Where you state your
needs, honestly and simply. Respecting the other person, hearing
them, but not being limited by them (or by any fears of how
they might react). Be like the clown or fool – the message
is deceptively simple, like the words of a child, but as others
have yet to dare to voice it, powerful, too. (Those things
‘left unsaid’, hanging, well, they need to be
said! Otherwise they assume even greater power than they deserve.
So, take a risk and say them! You will be rewarded by richer
communication and intimacy.) Stand firm – and remember
to breathe!
.
Energy – all the things that we have failed to confront
remain uncompleted, and therefore, take our energy. Hang over
us like a heavy black cloud, bring us down. Will likely result
in physical illness in the body, if left too long. Think back
to a time when you have successfully managed to ‘take
the bull by the horns’ and confront something. Do you
remember a feeling of elation, power, even, a rush of energy?
That’s the energy getting freed up. That’s what’s
waiting for you as a reward when you screw up your courage
and get round to it!!
Confronting difficult things, needing to confront someone
who is already dead, unavailable, unwilling, etc: You can
use creative visualisation very successfully to help with
this. Simply relax, imagine you are sitting in a safe relaxing
place of your choosing, and imagine the person meeting you
there. Then have a dialogue with them about whatever you need
to say, and listen to what they say in return. You can also
use this to ‘rehearse’ difficult confrontations
that you are planning to make in real life – and you
may be surprised by what you discover! (Often we turn out
to be more ‘co-conspirators’, than ‘victims’!)
Try to end with understanding and forgiveness, or at least,
the magical ‘willingness to forgive’ – saying
‘I am willing to forgive James for leaving’ (or
whatever it was) releases lots of energy. Be ‘willing
to forgive’ yourself, too.
The image of confrontation is ‘Gevorrah’ (Geburah)
in the Kabbalah tradition (Hebrew mystery school) –
the wielding of the sword, cutting through. Schooom! Joan
of Arc. Here’s a meditation so you can check the current
state of your sword (note, in this meditation, it is your
sword that you will discover, it belongs to you and it’s
up to you what you do with it!):
Cutting Through Meditation: Lie down, relax, breathe, and
read this or have a friend read to you: Feeling your body
heavy on the ground, completely relaxed, you awake and find
yourself in your garden. Smelling earth, hearing birds perhaps.
Coming to three doors, you open the right-hand one with your
key, and exit, knowing you can return any time. Follow a path
to the right until you come to your cave. Enter the cave and
within, search for a cupboard. Open the cupboard and inside,
look for your sword. Take it out. Heft it in your hand. How
does it look? Feel? Is it sharp? Wield it a few times, feel
its power. What might you do with it? If it needs any attention,
ask for help from angels or guides in making it just how you
want it to be. Then replace it in your cupboard, and return
to your garden, where you awake relaxed and refreshed, ready
to cut through~!
Aiiiiiiiah!! Into the fray!
NEXT ISSUE: Butterflies – beautiful flightly creatures,
and delightful symbols of transformation
Jeli Lala created the ‘Ashram of Spiritual Jewellery
and Art’ at no. 1, Sukma St., Tebesaya, Ubud, with her
husband, Putu S. She has studied yoga and many other spiritual
practices for more than ten years. She writes “As a
life-long artist, I’ve been exploring my inner world
since I was a child. In this column, I will share some of
my personal experiences and spiritual methods – hopefully,
you’ll find this interesting, and maybe it will give
some ideas for your own journey”.
Jeli welcomes comments and may be contacted on:
Email: jelila@jelila.com
Website: www.jelila.com or www.imagine-retreats.com
