...How to bust through the fears that are unconsciously guiding
your life – and get to where you really want to be.
Scary freaks…
Scary freaks. Boogie men. Zombies and stooges. The misty cemetary
at night. Ethereal spirits, snaggle toothed liyaks (Balinese
witches) hobgoblins, ghosts, vampires, howling spooks. Mysterious
tales told around a campfire at night. Darkness. Intrigue.
F e a r!
Though actually, the kind of fear I want to talk about is
a lot less obvious than than ‘things that go bump in
the night’ – and therefore, even more insidious.
It’s the kind of fear that got into a dentist I met
who said wistfully “I always wanted to be an artist
but my parents wanted me to go into dentistry”. And
it’s this fear that’s taken hold of the artist
who says “I really want an exhibition, but I can’t
get one.” And the friend who says “I really want
a boyfriend but I can’t find one” is also in its
grasp.
The examples may sound different but actually, they all have
common ground - fear. Fear has held these people back from
getting what they really wanted. The dentist was too afraid
of disappointing his parents to apply for art college. The
artist says he can’t get an exhibition, but has he really
tried? No. His fear of being rejected by galleries has led
him to protect himself by trying a few times in a rather half-hearted
way, and then giving up and moaning about it a lot. And the
friend who can’t get a boyfriend hasn’t really
dipped her toe into social situations where she might meet
one!
Fear and attraction
Isn’t it true, that the thing we want most is often
also the thing that we fear most? Or even, that getting what
we want, which might mean ‘having it all’, or
‘being a success’ are actually very scary (because
they bring up fears of competitiveness or envy from others,
or guilt at having more, fear of having to deal with the consequences
and responsibilities of success) – so that we shy away
from them? There’s a tension here – on the one
hand, struggling and striving to get what we want, and on
the other hand, sabotaging ourselves so we don’t get
it, so that we don’t have to deal with the consequences.
It’s easy to look at a star like Kylie Minogue, for
example, and criticise what she does. Like, YOU don’t
want to be a popstar. But probably, you don’t, or you
would be one already, wouldn’t you? Easy to long for
success, but actually, in our heart of hearts we know that
there are a lot of trade-offs – constant media attention,
loss of privacy, can’t go to the shops in curlers and
dirty jeans. Worries and fears about such things can and do
put us off, stop us going after our dreams. So, if you do
want to be a popstar (or a pilot, business leader, judge,
whatever), you might need to unearth your fears and deal with
them. Of which more in a minute.
It’s also true that if we just jump over the fence,
do whatever it is that we are afraid of directly right now,
confront and boldly accept the fear and carry on and do what
we need to do anyway, then we will have a much easier time
of it. And afterwards, it will seems surprisingly easy, and
we’ll have an amazing sense of satisfaction. Failure
is far better than not even trying. And seeing you try is
inspiring for other people too. Gives them permission to try,
too.
Picture yourself as an old man or woman, telling your story.
Would you rather tell, with laughter, of a spectacular failure
that taught you something, or of something that you wanted,
but never dared to do?
All the wondering, waiting, pondering, indecision and general
agony of being gutless and indecisive is actually FAR worse
than the slight butterflies you might experience when you,
say, join the art course, buttonhole the gallery director
and ask for a show, or ask a charming man out for a coffee.
And they are but a step upon the way to asking for even greater
things.
Practical fear busters
If you need a bit of support as you transform from somewhere
on the ‘gutless wimp to courageous superman’ continuum,
you might like to read ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’
by Susan Jefferies. The title of this classic book sums it
up – basically, it says it’s quite normal to feel
fear, just don’t let it rule your life. Get on and do
what you want to do while still feeling it. It’s a great
book, full of practical tips. You can get it from Amazon.
Another good resource is Byron Katie. She has created a remarkably
simple process called ‘The Work’ or ‘Inquiry’.
It comprises just four questions which you ask yourself. They
can be used to bust through non-useful beliefs (including
fears) that you may be carrying around with you, and which
may unwittingly be causing you to suffer. Her website is www.thework.com
and there’s a book called ‘Loving What Is’
that has blown me away by blowing away some of the rubbishy
thoughts that I was carrying in my head. Hurrah!
A ‘fear buddy’: when I was leaving London to come
and live in Bali, it felt very scary at times. My friend Jacqueline
kindly offered to listen to my fears on the phone any time
I felt I was really losing it. This helped a great deal. You
could set this up for yourself with a friend to help support
you in a particular task, area, or project, or do it regularly
to support each other. Remembering to breathe is also good!
Risk
The greatest risk in life is probably, getting to the end
of your life and finding that you haven’t done what
you came here to do.
Yet many of us coddle ourselves in ‘safe’ situations,
work, home, partner, friends, that create an illusion of comfort
and stability and control – we like to kid ourselves
that we are in control of what’s going on in the world,
and that all is predictable and linear. Then we use these
safety structures to conveniently justify why we can’t
follow our dreams – ‘oh, I can’t move to
San Francisco because of my job’ or ‘I can’t
take that dream job because my partner won’t like it’
when the real reason is simply – we’re scared!
Of course, we can’t control our existence – rather,
we’re riding on a multifarious dragon that has its own
will, direction, twists and turns of nature, powerful elemental
forces. The best we can do is flow with it gracefully, like
a surfer riding a big beautiful wave, or a skier speeding
down a snowy faced mountain. The very idea that we can tame
the dragon, make it dance to our will, is an illusion. It’s
a tender trap that feels safe yet is at a great cost –
stops us growing, changing, experiencing, and doing what we
really came here to do.
So what did you really come here to do?
Oh God! This is a tough one, isn’t it? Sometimes we
just have to accept that we need to wait a bit, get a few
more experiences, learning, healing, under our belts before
our true path is revealed to us. Often happens in ones forties,
or even later. All a bit trying for those impatient ones among
us. Trust though, that one day, those remarkable skills of
cake icing, budgeting and target shooting you inexplicably
gained along the way will all gel wonderfully as, say, you
open the first icing sugar snowball shoot. Or whatever. It
will all come together at some point, and the reason for all
those strange and disparate things you have done will become
clear. Or then again, it may not… All we can do for
now is follow the steps that seem to be going in the right
direction, and trust that all will come clear later. We are
all seekers.
Finding your true purpose
I don’t know, but I suspect that ‘the end is in
the beginning’ - that those things that attract us when
we are children are clues to the real direction, the true
path we are here to take. The little boy who wants to be a
fireman, the girl who wants to be a model. Why not? Trust
the intuitive mind to know. Usually the first thing we think
of is the best solution. Unfortunately though, instead of
just trusting this we often put inordinate amounts of energy
into making up lots of stories and reasons why we should NOT
do the very thing that we first thought of! We really need
to learn to trust our inner voice a lot more. It needn’t
be difficult. Just trust the first thing that comes –
it is usually right.
So, it’s worth dusting off those original dreams and
considering whether that childhood desire to be a ballet dancer,
fireman, or nurse was such a bad idea. Who knows, it might
set you on the path to your heart’s desire.
A mini fear test
Here’s a mini test to see the extent to which your unconscious
fears control you: Think of something that you have been putting
off for a long time. The first thing that comes to mind is
the one to start off with. You may have told yourself lots
of reasons why you haven’t done it – you don’t
have time, you can’t afford it, you’ll do it later
when… The fear challenge is to look again at your reasons.
Make a list, just writing the first thing that comes into
your head, without censoring, beginning: I haven’t done
X yet because… Keep on repeating it and see what comes.
Write it lots of times, lots of reasons, and eventually, I
am willing to bet, you’ll discover that there’s
a fear lurking in there somewhere. For example, you haven’t
called about the new school for your child not because you
are short of time (which of course, you are) but because you
are afraid the head teacher will think you are a bad parent
(a very common fear). Or something. It doesn’t have
to be logical (in fact it rarely is – some of my fears
are preposterous) but these unconscious fears do actually
run and limit our lives.
Once you uncover a fear, write a new, positive belief to replace
it (for the above example, for instance you could choose “I
am a good parent and now confidently make good choices for
my child’s schooling”. Usually, that’s enough
to shift it.
The greatest risk is not ‘If I apply for that great
job I might be rejected’ or ‘I might be a bad
parent if I try to have a baby’ or ‘my father
might shout at me if I tell him what I really need’.
These seem like risks, but actually, by far the greatest risk
is NOT DOING IT!
Better to see life as a journey in which we take experimental
steps and learn each time, than as a test that we might fail!
(so why begin?)
The more conscious we can become of our fears, the more we
can choose more inspiring beliefs, more daring and fulfilling
strategies, and more inspiring lives – so that we can
really shine!
The only thing stopping you from reaching your heart’s
desire – is YOU!NEXT ISSUE: Letting Go – the tremendous
power of the ‘Give Away’:
Easy ways to release what you don’t need and make space
for more of what you really want in your life.
Jeli Lala created the ‘Ashram of Spiritual Jewellery
and Art’ at no. 1, Sukma St., Tebesaya, Ubud, with her
husband, Putu S. She has studied yoga and many other spiritual
practices for more than ten years. She writes “As a
life-long artist, I’ve been exploring my inner world
since I was a child. In this column, I will share some of
my personal experiences and spiritual methods – hopefully,
you’ll find this interesting, and maybe it will give
some ideas for your own journey”.
Jeli welcomes comments and may be contacted on:
Email: jelila@jelila.com
Website: www.jelila.com or www.imagine-retreats.com
