The wall around your house, the space around your desk, your
personal space around your body, behaviour that you will or
will not accept in others. These are all boundaries
: some clearly defined, others more nebulous. They denote
where something ends and something else begins. The
space between. How are your boundaries? Do you
know where they are?
Boundaries Meditation
Relax, breathe deeply, and imagine you find yourself in a
beautiful garden. Have a look around. What is
beneath your feet? What can you hear? Smell? Make
your way to the boundary of your garden, and see how it is.
Is there a wall or fence? Is it broken in places?
If it is, fix it up, asking for help from angels or guides
to make the wall just how you want it. Gently
return to waking.
This meditation gives a quick and clear idea of how your boundaries
are in your life. The garden, by the way, is yours and
only yours! Most people want high walls so that entry
is by invitation only. What happens with broken, low,
or no boundaries, is that you might find people wandering
in your garden (ie, your life) that you wouldn’t choose.
Doing things that you prefer them not to. This is really
what boundaries are about, in the real world : defining what
you will and will not accept from other people, on an ongoing
basis.
So for example, if you go out to dinner and your companion
talks non-stop, your boundary about the need to express yourself
and be heard, is being transgressed. And, you are allowing
it to! You need to maintain your boundaries in
this case, by politely stating your need to participate in
the conversation! If you feel nervous about stating
your boundary, consider how you would feel if the boot was
on the other foot. You’d probably want the other
person to let you know if you were talking non-stop, wouldn’t
you? Just a simple statement of need or preference is
enough.
Shifting boundaries. Sometimes boundaries may change.
You may have a change of view, just decide that something
that was ok for you previously, no longer is. Just state
your needs clearly and simply, make no apology, and listen
to the response. Sometimes negotiation about boundaries
is necessary! The key in that case is to really listen
to the other person and get creative : ask “how
can we create a win/win out of this?” and work on it
together.
Physical boundary disputes quite often occur, don’t
they, with property? A person whose boundaries have
been transgressed by others will tend to act in the same way,
transgressing yours. The way to deal with this is to
give them respect. Respect their boundaries so that
they can come back into line and respect yours. Also eliminate
attack thoughts - avoid any thoughts of the other person attacking
you, or you attacking them. And, anticipate co-operation.
Go to the person anticipating that they will co-operate, and
you will draw that out of them. Empathising with their
point of view before you articulate your own may also help!
Personal space boundaries can feel a bit awkward. If
someone is too close for comfort, try saying would you mind
moving back a bit please! This is non-threatening and
usually works! Sexual boundaries are also a sensitive
area : how to articulate what you want, and what you don’t.
The only way here is to get over any shyness and talk about
it, maybe at a different time when you are feeling close.
Listen to what the other person says. Make it fun!
Assumptions : where a situation has been continuing a long
time, other people assume that everything is ok with you and
you may feel there is no obvious opportunity to re-articulate
a boundary. So, create one! When Aunt Maud assumes
you like her visiting every day to bring you a cup of tea,
you just need to tell her that you don’t! However,
how you do this is crucially important and will make the difference
between family falls out with Aunt Maud and favourite Auntie
happy with new arrangement! So, be careful, think about
it first, and frame it in the positive : say “I’m
busy tomorrow, would you mind bringing me a cup of tea on
Friday?” for example. This creates the beginning
of a space for things to be different and alerts the other
person - hello! there is a change of pace here!
Then on Friday, you can articulate something that you really
DO want in your relationship with Aunt Maud : for example
“Auntie I’d love you to knit me a sweater!”
or whatever it is. Take the lead and create what you
DO want in your relationships in a positive way, avoiding
alienating and rejecting others. Guide them to give
you what you want, rather than what you don’t want!
After all, if the roles were reversed aren’t you
doing your best to make others happy? And doesn’t
it help you if others let you know how? So do the same
for them! Help other people to make you happy!
NEXT ISSUE: Points Of View
Jeli Lala is a natural intuitive based in Seminyak.
She heals emotional and physical problems with sound, light,
and colour. Contact: 081 239 43354.
Jeli welcomes comments and may be contacted on:
Email: jelilala@breathe.com
Website: www.baliashram.com
