To someone standing deep in a hole in the ground, the world is black, limited and somewhat oppressive. To someone standing at the surface, the world might be bright, full of openings, and inspiring possibilities. How can the person on the surface relate to the person in the hole? It’s no good saying ‘it’s very bright up here, what are you complaining about the dark for?’ We need..empathy. To begin from a point of view that the other person can relate to, before they begin to relate to our own. More than that, we need a sincere effort to place ourselves in the position of the other person to fully understand their point of view. A surprising bonus of this may be that we can then see ourselves from ‘another’s point of view’ and thus gain a new understanding of how to build a bridge!
Viewpoint Meditation
Think of a relationship that you would like to improve, or a problem that you are having with someone. The following meditation can help you to see it in a new light.
Imagine the person that you are considering. See them in a situation with you, or imagine yourselves sitting facing each other in a room. Now imagine that you are floating out of your body until you are standing behind the right shoulder of the person, looking back at yourself. Now, start a dialogue. Have yourself ask the person ‘how are you feeling?’ or ‘how do you feel when I do x?’ And listen to the response. Ask whatever further questions come to you and listen to the answers, gaining a whole new perspective on the situation. When you’ve finished, gently return to your body and reflect for a few moments on what you have discovered.
Another way is to just imagine how the person is feeling. For example. ‘Well, I’ve just shouted at them..so they are probably feeling a bit upset, off-balance, maybe angry, maybe they want to hurt me back. Then ask ‘what do they need?’ You might answer ‘they need to be heard. They need to feel that their views are valid and validated. They need to feel respected...’ Also ask – if that was me, in that situation, how would I feel? What would I need? What would help me to overcome the problem?
It’s easy to forget that just like us, other people are also doing their very best. Others have the very best intentions, too, with what they know in the present moment. No-one is out to get you! Trust that others want to co-operate with you and are essentially good-hearted, and you will pull that response from them.
A structured way for getting to a point of understanding when there is conflict, is first to get really interested in the other person’s point of view. Without trying to change the situation, get fascinated by ‘how they feel’. Ask questions. ‘So, you are feeling...?’ and let them fill in the gaps. Hold off on discussing what you want, as long as possible! Stay with their feelings. Repeat them back to ensure that you have correctly understood ‘so, you are feeling upset and angry that I made an arrangement without consulting you first?’’ And let them confirm. Keep going, seeking feelings, until they have no more to express. Like an empty balloon, once you have allowed them to express themselves they will no longer feel the need to explode. They will feel validated, calmer, and more receptive. Then, you can ask ‘what can I do to make the situation better?’ or ‘how can I make amends?’ Solicit ideas on different ways to do things in future, and on what you can do now to soothe ruffled feathers and troubled feelings. When you’ve collected ideas, get creative and try to build a bridge. Try to agree some options that would put the situation right and resolve it in future.
If you need the other person to understand your point of view, try putting it from their perspective. In other words, rather than saying ‘I was busy, I didn’t have time to consult you about the arrangements’ try putting it like this: ‘imagine how you would feel if you were very rushed, and you needed to make an arrangement in the moment, and there just wasn’t time to get it touch and confirm it first’. This approach is very effective in getting the other person to see your point of view. Hopefully things will then open enough for a ‘how do we solve this together’ type of approach rather than an escalation of war!
Song – ‘Lay Down Your Arms’
There’s another way baby – not to hit and run away
There’s another way baby – live to fight another day
Take my hand, lay down the armaments
I’ll hold your head, I’ll pay you some sweet compliments...
If you’re dismayed at war stories in the paper, you can help directly by creating a little patch of peace on your own ground, and then watching it spread...
Peace to you and those around you!
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Jelila is a natural intuitive based in Seminyak. She heals health, wealth and relationship issues with sound, light, and colour. Contact: 081 239 43354.
Jelila welcomes comments and may be contacted on:
Email: jelilala@breathe.com
Website: www.imagine-retreats.com
