A small child, towered over by a giant powerful adult, quickly
learns to fear conflict. Unfortunately, the things we fear
are the very things that we attract! For example, a
subconscious fear of conflict stops you from expressing your
true feelings, opinions, needs and wants. This, ultimately,
creates a lack of understanding which results in – conflict!
Fears attract the very thing you were seeking to avoid.
The good news though, is that it is only a fear. It
isn’t real. And as you become aware of it, you
can overcome it.
A fear of conflict keeps us from ever reaching a ‘level
playing field’ with another person, for that is the
place in which we would then be able to have an ‘equal
discussion’ – where each person expresses their
true needs and desires, and negotiation and agreement (or
argument!) takes place. If you don’t feel comfortable
with this process, then you have a fear of conflict.
The workaround we create to keep ourselves safe from this
fear is ‘unequal relationships’. This means
that in your relationships you will either be in the ‘on
top’ or ‘down’ position. The ‘down’
person continually compromises themselves in order to please
the ‘on top’ person. Neither person feels
truly comfortable (being ‘on top’, at least your
needs are being met!) However, as this is at the expense
of the needs and desires of the other person, on a deep level,
you will never feel truly satisfied in the relationship. ‘Something
is missing’. If you tell your friends ‘we
never argue’, then you may have a fear of conflict.
And it projects out into the world as the conflicts we see
around us.
Reflect on your past relationships. You may have taken
the ‘up’ position, the ‘down’ position,
been in a relationship where you each see-saw from ‘up’
to ‘down’ and back again, or been in what I call
an ‘uneasy truce’ which is where you kind of meet,
but both of you are compromising to avoid conflict (this creates
dead kind of relationships usually with no sex).
We actually need ‘congress’ for relationships
to be satisfying and exciting. We need the space to
express our true selves, to disagree, and have the other person
respect that, and vice versa.
Overcoming fear of conflict is the way to achieve an equal
relationship. Acknowledge and embrace ‘I am afraid
of conflict’ to clear it.
Do you feel uneasy when you need to contact a friend or acquaintance?
You have their card, but you just can’t get round to
it! This is not laziness, more likely a subconscious
fear of conflict. You may also fear the reactions of
others, in which case you need to acknowledge and embrace:
‘I’m afraid of my reactions, overreacting, underreacting,
or not’! This frees you from the fear, and then
the reactions come as they may! And you can get on with
your life!
Resolving Conflicts in You
Your inner masculine and inner feminine are like two people
living inside you. Your most important relationship,
it reflects out onto the mirror of life in all your other
relationships! Whether you are male or female, the role
of the man in you is to plan, co-ordinate, organise, support,
and guide your activities (and your feminine side).
The role of the woman in you is to be radiant, loving, and
to express herself in a multitude of feminine ways.
Conflict in this inner relationship is felt in your external
relationships. It is common for women to be carrying
out the male and female role in themselves from their feminine
side. This means – exhaustion! The male
side of themselves is not present to organise, suggest rest,
and prevent burn-out. The female side is doing all the work!
Here is an exercise to help express both sides of you (it’s
for men and women to do).
The Man/Woman in You
Begin to write your relationship fears, from your male and
female side, in turn:
Man: I’m afraid she doesn’t want me to go
out on my own. Woman: I’m afraid he will
leave and never come back.
Man: I’m afraid she will show me up in front of
my friends. Woman: I’m afraid he will ignore me
and watch videos all night.
Continue until you can’t think of any more. You
have identified your inner fears of relationship, which should
give you amazing insights into yourself, and your partner.
Continue your awareness of your inner man and woman from now
on, and keep them talking!
Next Issue: Journeys of Consciousness
Jelila is an internationally renowned intuitive healer, offering
energy, sound, and crystal healing, past life healing, negative
belief clearing, workshops for health, wealth, and happiness.
Please see website for full healing menu, packages, and schedule.
Jelila is usually in Bali for one week each month –
next from April 24th – 30th and in Singapore otherwise
on +65 9715 4221 (mb). Sessions available by phone.
Please call The Holistic Healing Centre 0361 766259 to book,
or Jelila on 081 239 43354.
Jelila welcomes comments and may be contacted on:
Email: jelila@jelila.com
Website: www.jelila.com or www.imagine-retreats.com
