Question: My dad’s health is declining, and he is now on dialysis. My mom, who doesn’t have a big support network, and who isn’t talkative about her feelings at the best of times, is running herself ragged taking care of Dad, handling his doctors’ appointments and medications, and taking care of the house. I would like to give her as much support as I can during this time even though – because I am 2,500km away – giving any kind of support is challenging.
I find it emotionally draining to talk to her these days because it’s a continuous conversation about what’s wrong with Dad, and how his doctors are doing everything wrong. Underlying this is the fact that my mom doesn’t really have anyone to help her mentally or physically. I’d like to be there for her as much as possible, but how can I do that when it takes me a whole day to get back to normal (not bursting into tears every 5 minutes) after I speak with her on the phone?
Dr. ZZ: I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. It happens to most of us sooner or later that someone in the circle of people we love develops severe health problems, and we watch someone else we love shoulder the crushing burden of being the primary caregiver. It hurts so much, and distance makes you feel helpless when you honestly can’t up and move to take of some of the on-site caregiving. It’s normal to feel guilty – as if you have the option to help and are not using it.
You need to make sure that your mom knows how distressed you are about what she and your dad are going through. Sometimes, because you hold it together on the phone, the person who’s in the trenches imagines you going blithely along emotionally unscathed. Without laying a guilt trip on her for your upset, make sure she knows it pains you to hear what she’s describing and takes you a while to recover. Tell her that you know she’s scared; that you’re scared, too.
This is one of those times when what you need and what she needs are in direct conflict, and you need to not feel as if you’re letting her down. When this happens, all you can do is: 1.) try to reduce the conflict by addressing her needs and yours in ways that don’t clash, 2.) figure out what you can offer without doing violence to your own mental health, and 3.) be as articulate as possible about what you can offer and what you need.
Because you and your mom seem to have an otherwise decent relationship, you can imagine that she doesn’t want you to do violence to your mental health for her sake. If one of her burdens is researching your dad’s medications and drug compatibilities, perhaps you can take on something like that from afar. Treat this like a partnership to get you both through this as whole and intact as possible.
Question: I found a private message on my husband’s Facebook when my 4-year-old son had his phone one day. I wasn’t snooping; I just happened to see a conversation he had with an old university friend who sent him nude photos. He swears he never opened the images but complimented her on their hotness anyway. I believe him because he knows I would leave him if he lied.
She asked if I would be attending their class reunion next year, so she knows he’s married. She described her physical attraction to him and said she wants to connect with him and get “hot and heavy.” He didn’t agree but led her on by not saying no. We plan to compose a message together to end their interaction, and I want to send her a heated expression of my displeasure with her attempt to ruin my marriage. Please help. What should I say to her that will get my point across?
Dr. ZZ: I know you’re angry and eager to deliver just the right ultimatum to this woman, but you absolve your husband of all responsibility in the interaction by magically transferring all your anger to her. Perhaps he didn’t start the flirtation, but he was definitely acting underhandedly, and he got busted. Sticking your claws into the other woman will not change that fact, and it will put you in a compromising situation with someone you don’t want in your life – plus, it will give her proof that she got under your skin.
There’s no message you can give her about the sanctity of marriage that’s going to win you points. If you buy your husband’s version of the events, he was just trying not to embarrass her by appearing to go along with her nefarious plans. If you step in and send her a nasty message, it lets him abdicate his role in the fact pattern while the womenfolk work it out. He can then try still being the good guy, who just happened to get caught in the middle.
My suggestion is to make it 100% his responsibility to handle this and make sure the woman goes back to the world where she doesn’t exist for you. He needs to let her know that the pictures didn’t reach only their intended destination, that they were fun for no one once his wife and four-year-old son accidentally discovered them, and that she should feel embarrassed. He needs to also 100% own his part in being underhanded and encouraging her, and he needs to de-friend and block her immediately and start thinking of ways to make this up to you.
Dr. ZZ has a Ph.D. in Counseling and a doctorate in Natural Healing. Drawing on a background of over thirty years as a professional therapist, she offers self-help in the areas health, relationship and personal growth. All queries are answered by email and, if they appear in print, are subject to editing. Please email your questions : (ba.saywhat@yahoo.co.id). All identifying information is kept strictly confidential.
By Dr. Zae
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