Category: Fixed Abode

A Kettle Of Fish I wonder what the collective noun is for motorcycles The way people ride in Bali it must be the same as for mosquitoes a scourge of motorcycles Bicycles That must be a bother a bother of bikes Then we have a trouble of builders a worry of architects and for a bunch of right wing politicians we have a tea party We all know the collective noun for fish is a kettle and of course for crabs is a dose When we talk about quantities we have to wonder which of the worldrsquos countries has the largest population Itrsquos an interesting question but are we talking about the number of people or the amount of people These days a typical supersized English personbeing is getting rather large and in terms of total mass the population of Shanghai is eclipsed by the male voice choir of Upper Nether Wallop a place noted for having more fastfood joints per stomach than anywhere else in the U

Musical Snails Finding a leak in a swimming pool is harder than teaching a snail to sing Oh yes I know it all sounds very easy but go to your local pool service agent and whisper the words ldquoleaking swimming poolrdquo in his ear and stand clear You may find his eyes glaze over and suddenly he starts discussing the cost of camel rides in Greenland or whether the Eyefull tower was named after the intimate views you might find with your binoculars from the actions of the pigeons that fly over it If that eversofriendly poolman was in fact the person that built your pool you may find his mouth starts to open and shut soundlessly as he dashes off to pick up his poor disabled mother from the airport The reason for such an averse reaction is understandable a leaking swimming pool can be very difficult to repair It is ther

Foetida Adulteri It all started a long long time ago with those Roman chappies When they were out conquering theyrsquod have to go on long marches and after a decade or so on the road theyrsquod get a bit smelly around the nether regions To get a bit of ventilation going they started wearing short little leather skirts which the legions found somewhat fetching and added a bit of titillation to their humdrum conquering lives But still they stank Then one day in 67 AD Fredricus Maximus was talking to his mate Cornelius Minimus ldquoCor blimeyrdquo he said ldquomy men pong worse than a skunkrsquos scrotumrdquo ldquoOh we donrsquot have that problem anymorerdquo said Corney ldquoHow comerdquo

ldquoEater eaterrdquo The sky was emptying its bladder and Eric Erectus was out hunting with his club As he entered a clearing he noticed a person a female He gave her a persuasive tap with his club and grabbing her by the hair dragged her back to his cave When he got home he threw a few logs on the fire adjusted the bone in his nose and sat pondering his catch He was confused Hed heard about females but had no idea what on earth you were supposed to do with them She looked very edible but his hunger pangs were overridden by a strange feeling stirring in his loins it meant nothing he had never heard of a loin and wouldnt have known one if he tripped over it She was covered in thick clods of mud gathered during her unceremonious hairborne trip through a bog so Eric thought he

Burning the Bras Ears We are all aware that capable electricians are as rare as hymens in a brothel but less obvious is the fact that hymens are relatively common items when compared with the availability of capable plumbers We tend to be a bit scared of electrons dont we well we should be I suppose it all goes back to the fact that like ebola we cant see the little blighters but we know that they can do us a severe nasty if they get loose As a result when we cant find a good electrician we really do miss them Plumbers on the other hand deal with water and the danger is merely that we might get a tad damp or a squirt in the eye from some contumacious hosepipe It is all just a bit of a bother that we have to learn to put up with If we cant find a real plumber we just say ldquofirtling emmardquo and ask that

For Want of a Nailhellip ldquoFor want of a nail the shoe was lost For want of a shoe the horse was lost For want of a horse the rider was lost For want of a rider the message was lost For want of a message the battle was lost For want of a battle the kingdom was lost And all for the want of a horseshoe nailrdquo Last week we looked at how trying to save a small amount of money can end up costing a lot of money In many situations this is fairly obvious you buy the cheaper lightbulb and it burns out in 2 weeks when a better quality one at a price of only half as much again lasts 2 years We are surrounded by these temptations to save money all the time but things are not always as straightforward as they at first appear

For a Haporth of Tar Percy Pigmondswipe known as Percy the Pig to his friends was working late Hed got a ship to finish and it wasnt a little un this was a seriously large ship that was having some major modifications Theyd cut down all the trees in the wood a good few from next door and the churchyard was starting to look a bit sparse He and the lads had got all the new woodwork done new decks had been installed the rigging was in place and they were on the last lap a little bit of caulking along the keel and shed be finished Unfortunately they had hit a bit of a snag they had run out of caulking tar with only a foot left to do Percy turned to the foreman Angry Jack McTaggard and being aware of his somewhat temperamental disposition asked as politely as he could for some